When bleached teeth just isn’t enough

While channel hopping the other day I couldn’t help to notice how many makeover shows there are. And some of them are even extreme. The most prominent feature is the “pimp my teeth” part. Yep, if you’re teeth ain’t blingin’, you ain’t swingin’.

As not everyone has the financial means to bleach those beauties, I have decided to help out with another method of getting the street cred. This will make you stand out in the crowd. Best of all this is not something I’m making up, this look was successfully achieved through actual participation by yours truly, and the now famous Pedro Perez.

A couple of years ago Pedro Perez and I decided to have a little fun trip to the coast. Just a little weekend getaway to forget about the stresses imposed by “The Company”. Everything was set; we had bookings at a guest house, airline tickets and even rented the cute little smart car, just big enough to fit four fully grown (one slightly overweight) gentlemen.

So we flew down on the Friday, just in time to enjoy the marvelous specials they had a little overcrowded pub. It all went smoothly; although the trip home had some bumps and cost us a buddy for the weekend.

The next day we went on a little wine tasting expedition. Now for us wine tasting and spitting does not go together. And we had a fantastic time. We were going from one wine farm to the next, sampling, swirling and tasting. The Sunday saw us going to a cheese festival. Cheese can be boring though. So we sat on the grass and sampled some red wine at discount prices. We sampled the whole range, even spilling some over some older lady. Luckily she was also sampling wine, because red wine on white pants is not in everyone’s taste.

When it became time to leave the cheese festival, Pedro Perez stunned us all with his magnificent smile. A show stopper indeed. You see, all the red wine turned his teeth black, and it was a crowd pleaser. People just couldn’t stop staring. Being the responsible person I am entitled me to be the designated driver. Pedro Perez was a bit woozy and we decided to dump in the back. So having ample of space in the back of a Smart car, I couldn’t use my rearview mirror without having a little peek at those black beauties.

Since this is something to marvel at, we made another pit stop in town at a waterhole where we had dinner and a couple of rounds. Pedro Perez was famous! Everyone enjoyed. His smile brought joy and laughter to so many.

You see, sometimes it pays to be different. I learnt that black can be just as beautiful as those white pearls. It makes you even more likeable and you definitely make a lasting impression. Well done, Pedro!

Learning a new language

Life is all about learning. That’s what I’ve learned. And with age comes wisdom. Now I’m not saying that I’m Yoda, but I do have a few tricks up my sleeve and my feet have seen its fair share of mileage. Oh, and on that a word of advice to all the newly weds out there: if you are on honeymoon in a foreign country and that mountain with the castle on top looks near, its NOT! Rent a car! (Free lesson)

In my quest to conquer the world I learned that communication is of paramount importance when conquering. To illustrate I will use an example. I was in Brazil for “The Company”. It was business as usual, except that the amount of English spoken in central Brazil can be overwhelming. In fact it brought tears to my eyes on numerous occasions. So armed with a little phrase book, I decided to order a hamburger with lettuce, tomato, onions and then some French fries. And according to my dictionary and the amount of confidence in my ability to pronounce, I was certain that I could do it. Well, I ended up with a piece of bread, with a piece of meat on it (nothing else, not even butter) and a delicious looking side plate of baked potato and fries with no tomato sauce or anything. It was the dullest thing I have ever seen.

So I have devised a universal method of communication. It happened in Brazil. And it was beautiful.

Our project was running along smoothly. We had state of the art pre-fabricated offices on the edge of the airport with no air conditioning or drinking water. We shared this office space with a couple of guys who were responsible for runway maintenance. And they spoke fluent Portuguese. On the Friday afternoon I took one of our amigos from the US back to the hotel. I had a beer with him and returned to the office a bit late. I left two of my men there, and figured they will be upset for staying late on a Friday afternoon.

When I got there it was a different story. The whole office managed to get cases and cases of booze. And everyone was jolly. So I decided that I need some of the action and I joined. And I swear, after a couple of cases of beer, we were communicating! We were laughing and dancing and signing. We made new friends; we spoke in three different languages and understood each other. We laughed at jokes that were told in Portuguese.

They even left my two co-workers of “The Company” and I to lock up their offices and to clean up their place. Not only did they understand us, they trusted us.

So in unlocking the secrets of the universe, never underestimate the power of BEER! It can teach you a new language in minutes. In fact, I’m convinced that ancient astronomers relied heavily on it to find the constellations. Try it, booze up and go find Orion! That’s your homework.

Why Santa Claus hates me

Pedro Perez reminded me today why the big red guy hates me. And not only me, but the whole gang. You see, even the simplest event becomes part of the greater scheme of things. And the universe can be a cruel place. So Santa hates me because of a simple innocent event.

As with all companies around the world, worker satisfaction is guaranteed by the dangling carrot. And sometimes it isn’t even a real carrot, but we all get caught up and just follow it blindly. One of the greatest mind-tricks ever devised by “My Company” was the so called “Birthday Party”. So being young, foolish and easily lured with the mention of free beer, I attended all of them.

The gathering took place at the usual spot. We had beers, meat on the roast and sports. Basically a day of fun and sunburn with some co-workers working on their raccoon tans. The gang was also there. We had the Captain, Survivor, Dangerous Dave, Sea-Bass and of course Pedro Perez.

Midway through our volleyball match nature interrupted with a couple of raindrops. As we had booze, we didn’t care. We just moved the festivities indoors. At some point we even had Batman and Superman playing air guitar and doing some karaoke. Lot’s of fun.

Eventually the rain stopped. Now having a party at a nature reserve might sound like a cool idea, but there is one little thing normally overlooked … animals. And this is when I saw the strangest/funniest thing I ever saw. Someone yelled: “WHOA! Look at the reindeer!”

At that point Rudolf came prancing past with what looked like a fashion statement. And there was extreme excitement amongst the crowd. Little Rudolf managed to hook our volleyball net in his horns. And by judging how it was tangled in his horns, it didn’t just happen. He had to make at least a couple of laps with his new horn accessories.

This is where he could have been more appreciative in our rescue effort, but no, he had to make us run. Luckily we were in top physical condition proving that you can indeed run with a beer in one hand without spilling it. The first couple of steps were easy, but the fuel can in one hand was not enough for our energy sapping tanks. So eventually we had a group of grown men walking after a reindeer.

After a while we somehow managed to free poor old Rudolf. No harm done, although we where exhausted.

But thinking back today, I have to say that I’m sure that this little event wasn’t overseen by his redness. So please Santa, NO MORE SOCKS!