When bleached teeth just isn’t enough

While channel hopping the other day I couldn’t help to notice how many makeover shows there are. And some of them are even extreme. The most prominent feature is the “pimp my teeth” part. Yep, if you’re teeth ain’t blingin’, you ain’t swingin’.

As not everyone has the financial means to bleach those beauties, I have decided to help out with another method of getting the street cred. This will make you stand out in the crowd. Best of all this is not something I’m making up, this look was successfully achieved through actual participation by yours truly, and the now famous Pedro Perez.

A couple of years ago Pedro Perez and I decided to have a little fun trip to the coast. Just a little weekend getaway to forget about the stresses imposed by “The Company”. Everything was set; we had bookings at a guest house, airline tickets and even rented the cute little smart car, just big enough to fit four fully grown (one slightly overweight) gentlemen.

So we flew down on the Friday, just in time to enjoy the marvelous specials they had a little overcrowded pub. It all went smoothly; although the trip home had some bumps and cost us a buddy for the weekend.

The next day we went on a little wine tasting expedition. Now for us wine tasting and spitting does not go together. And we had a fantastic time. We were going from one wine farm to the next, sampling, swirling and tasting. The Sunday saw us going to a cheese festival. Cheese can be boring though. So we sat on the grass and sampled some red wine at discount prices. We sampled the whole range, even spilling some over some older lady. Luckily she was also sampling wine, because red wine on white pants is not in everyone’s taste.

When it became time to leave the cheese festival, Pedro Perez stunned us all with his magnificent smile. A show stopper indeed. You see, all the red wine turned his teeth black, and it was a crowd pleaser. People just couldn’t stop staring. Being the responsible person I am entitled me to be the designated driver. Pedro Perez was a bit woozy and we decided to dump in the back. So having ample of space in the back of a Smart car, I couldn’t use my rearview mirror without having a little peek at those black beauties.

Since this is something to marvel at, we made another pit stop in town at a waterhole where we had dinner and a couple of rounds. Pedro Perez was famous! Everyone enjoyed. His smile brought joy and laughter to so many.

You see, sometimes it pays to be different. I learnt that black can be just as beautiful as those white pearls. It makes you even more likeable and you definitely make a lasting impression. Well done, Pedro!

Learning a new language

Life is all about learning. That’s what I’ve learned. And with age comes wisdom. Now I’m not saying that I’m Yoda, but I do have a few tricks up my sleeve and my feet have seen its fair share of mileage. Oh, and on that a word of advice to all the newly weds out there: if you are on honeymoon in a foreign country and that mountain with the castle on top looks near, its NOT! Rent a car! (Free lesson)

In my quest to conquer the world I learned that communication is of paramount importance when conquering. To illustrate I will use an example. I was in Brazil for “The Company”. It was business as usual, except that the amount of English spoken in central Brazil can be overwhelming. In fact it brought tears to my eyes on numerous occasions. So armed with a little phrase book, I decided to order a hamburger with lettuce, tomato, onions and then some French fries. And according to my dictionary and the amount of confidence in my ability to pronounce, I was certain that I could do it. Well, I ended up with a piece of bread, with a piece of meat on it (nothing else, not even butter) and a delicious looking side plate of baked potato and fries with no tomato sauce or anything. It was the dullest thing I have ever seen.

So I have devised a universal method of communication. It happened in Brazil. And it was beautiful.

Our project was running along smoothly. We had state of the art pre-fabricated offices on the edge of the airport with no air conditioning or drinking water. We shared this office space with a couple of guys who were responsible for runway maintenance. And they spoke fluent Portuguese. On the Friday afternoon I took one of our amigos from the US back to the hotel. I had a beer with him and returned to the office a bit late. I left two of my men there, and figured they will be upset for staying late on a Friday afternoon.

When I got there it was a different story. The whole office managed to get cases and cases of booze. And everyone was jolly. So I decided that I need some of the action and I joined. And I swear, after a couple of cases of beer, we were communicating! We were laughing and dancing and signing. We made new friends; we spoke in three different languages and understood each other. We laughed at jokes that were told in Portuguese.

They even left my two co-workers of “The Company” and I to lock up their offices and to clean up their place. Not only did they understand us, they trusted us.

So in unlocking the secrets of the universe, never underestimate the power of BEER! It can teach you a new language in minutes. In fact, I’m convinced that ancient astronomers relied heavily on it to find the constellations. Try it, booze up and go find Orion! That’s your homework.

Why Santa Claus hates me

Pedro Perez reminded me today why the big red guy hates me. And not only me, but the whole gang. You see, even the simplest event becomes part of the greater scheme of things. And the universe can be a cruel place. So Santa hates me because of a simple innocent event.

As with all companies around the world, worker satisfaction is guaranteed by the dangling carrot. And sometimes it isn’t even a real carrot, but we all get caught up and just follow it blindly. One of the greatest mind-tricks ever devised by “My Company” was the so called “Birthday Party”. So being young, foolish and easily lured with the mention of free beer, I attended all of them.

The gathering took place at the usual spot. We had beers, meat on the roast and sports. Basically a day of fun and sunburn with some co-workers working on their raccoon tans. The gang was also there. We had the Captain, Survivor, Dangerous Dave, Sea-Bass and of course Pedro Perez.

Midway through our volleyball match nature interrupted with a couple of raindrops. As we had booze, we didn’t care. We just moved the festivities indoors. At some point we even had Batman and Superman playing air guitar and doing some karaoke. Lot’s of fun.

Eventually the rain stopped. Now having a party at a nature reserve might sound like a cool idea, but there is one little thing normally overlooked … animals. And this is when I saw the strangest/funniest thing I ever saw. Someone yelled: “WHOA! Look at the reindeer!”

At that point Rudolf came prancing past with what looked like a fashion statement. And there was extreme excitement amongst the crowd. Little Rudolf managed to hook our volleyball net in his horns. And by judging how it was tangled in his horns, it didn’t just happen. He had to make at least a couple of laps with his new horn accessories.

This is where he could have been more appreciative in our rescue effort, but no, he had to make us run. Luckily we were in top physical condition proving that you can indeed run with a beer in one hand without spilling it. The first couple of steps were easy, but the fuel can in one hand was not enough for our energy sapping tanks. So eventually we had a group of grown men walking after a reindeer.

After a while we somehow managed to free poor old Rudolf. No harm done, although we where exhausted.

But thinking back today, I have to say that I’m sure that this little event wasn’t overseen by his redness. So please Santa, NO MORE SOCKS!

The art of a perfectly timed mind-slap

My weekend was pretty much spoiled by my endeavors with the Snake Oil Salesman. So I had Pizza, plenty of feel-good pizza. I reckoned that all that Carbo-Loading will provide me with the energy I needed to devise my strategy. Instead it made me feel sleepy. So I got up, stretched a bit and hit the sack.

The rest of the weekend I struggled with the Snake Oil Salesman. I considered that this probably isn't as bad as I think. I started thinking along the lines of diplomacy. Maybe showing my own weaknesses in an attempt too soften him up. You know, the little-kitten-big-eyes strategy.

What an IDIOT! Luckily Bruce Willis brought me to my senses during the Sunday night re-run of Die Hard 2. Diplomacy is for sissies! And although they teach you that violence isn't the answer, it does provide you with two things: first it makes you feel better, and secondly it can leave a scar! And I decided that this is the way to go. I'll use a perfectly timed mind-slap! Thanks Bruce!

Now mind-slapping is an art form not known to many. It does take discipline and skill to master. And you have to be patient, as the initial rewards do not warrant the effort. So as with everything in life, if you want to be good, you have to practice. So after graduating through extreme mind-slapping sessions through childhood I consider myself as (in real life terms) a black-belt! If I have lost you at this stage, think of a mind-slap as a Jedi mind trick. If executed correctly, it is beautiful. It can leave a whole room stunned. It is powerful ... so be careful.

In preparation for my meeting with the Snake Oil Salesman, I decided to visit with my team. The soldiers on the floor fighting the good fight everyday at minimum wage. I gathered ammo, took notes and basically got as much info as I could carry. And then it was time to make my stance.

Now being the Snake Oil Salesman, the confrontation turned out to be an away game for me. I walked into a room filled with people. Some there for their brains, others for their looks. They tried to distract me by offering me something to drink. But I was strong. I saw their plan and politely declined. The scene was set. It was time for action.

My nemesis started of with a "I'll start to...". I acted quickly to disarm him, blocking the first punch by getting up, rushing to the whiteboard, taking the marker from him and saying: "Let me start of with what we know". I had him. I knew it and he knew it. And I'm sure I could hear a faint sigh from his team.

From there on it progressed quite smoothly. I build up to my attack. Starting of slowly and then adding more as we continued. And then it was time. I used the big words! I just threw them at him. One after the other. At some point I even made up words. But I stuck to my training. Whenever he tried to argue something, I just gave him the eye. And I kept on slapping! It was a masterpiece. He was stunned. I ruled!

Now you might think that I was a bit unfair, but the truth is I hate to loose. I had to stand up for all of man kind. I did and I’m proud. The golden rule is: if you can't convince them, confuse them.

The return of the Snake Oil Salesman

Being involved in the craziness of modern technological wonders, I used to travel a lot. And I mean a lot. All over the world. In fact, I'm building a house and the designs I come up with are - well looking like hotel rooms. So eventually, as travelling goes, I ended up Down Under.

This is where I got introduced to "The Aussie Burger", drive through liquor stores and "The Snake Oil Salesman". Skippy and the adventures of Australia , however, will find have to wait. I want to introduce the "The Snake Oil Salesman".

After fierce battles with stubborn customers claiming that this is not what they wanted, I decided to reconsider my pecking order in the greater scheme of things. So I whipped out the old chart of what was then known as "My Company". And that's where I first encountered him. Cliff actually crept up, looked over my shoulder and slammed his finger against my chart"That's him! That's your Snake Oild Salesman." And boy did he create pain and tears. A true villain!

That was my last outing for "My Company". Destiny called. I listened. And got more than I bargained for.

So today was exactly 2 years 1 month and 3 days after I left Kangaroo Island, home of Skippy! And today was tough. Real tough. Like sitting on the toilet staring at an empty roll tough. Today, I saw an old enemy. I had a conference call with the more scaly, improved version of "The Snake Oil Salesmen"!

This time he has outdone himself. He has gained technical skills. Venturing into my domain, insulting my intelligence and giving me brain-freeze! You see, as my destiny followed a strange path, I ended up at "My Company 3". Number 1 was OK - as the most amazing thing happened there. Number 2 sucked so much that I considered leaving the country to get as far away as possible.

"My Company 3" has brought back a familiar taste: travelling. Although not as much. And having the tremendous luck I have (like buying 63 lottery tickets and not even having 3 numbers in a row), I got involved with a project that forces me to join "The Snake Oil Salesmen".
This guy can talk. Can make you feel like the biggest idiot on earth. In fact, after leaving the conference call I was thinking that my parents have spelled my name incorrectly since birth. So I now have to come up with a strategy. I need to be as skillful as a ninja, without the blood an black pajamas though.

And on Monday, I have to go eye to eye with the enemy. So, no more fun . . . it's preparation time.

So why am I writing all this down. See it as a warning. See as my way of guiding my fellow man through the pitfalls and dangers of modern society. Watch and learn! Evil is back, and it's got a name.

"The Snake Oil Salesman"!